The Festivus Prole

Safe for Work Porn?

2008-09-25T17:52:00.004-04:00

I think this video is safe for work.

Gifts

2008-09-16T21:20:00.001-04:00

What is the protocol on wedding gifts? Do you really have a year to get someone a wedding gift?

Veet Prez

2008-09-02T22:37:00.000-04:00

Sarah Palin, WHAT???????????????????
HAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bust out the Zubaz!

2008-08-25T13:28:00.002-04:00

While hanging out at my buddy's place watching some of the Olympics, my friend and I engaged in a heated debate as to when you are allowed to wear a individual player's sports jersey. Obviously the discussion was centered around people of high school age and older. Also, it did not include any discussion of women in jerseys (of any age) because women with sports jerseys are always hot, even a pink McNabb jersey gets me excited.

Well, according to my friend, you are NEVER allowd to wear a jersey if you are amale above the age of 13. NEVER! When I informed him of his moron status he acquiesed a bit and made the concession that when attending a sporting event you are allowed to wear a team or player's jersey only at that event, he even suggested that one should take the jersey of after the game. Obviously his set of guidelines are completely off base.

A more appropriate measure of when an adult male is allowed to wear a jersey is:

1) Never to a club, bar, lounge or in a night time social setting,
2) Allowed when doing chores around the house which includes shovelling the snow and mowing the lawn and all roofing procedures,
3) Obviously allowed at ANY sporting event no matter who is playing, for example if you can go to a Steelers game you can wear a Joe Montana jersey (you might get kicked in the back of the head, but still). Sporting events include watching the game at your own home on DirectTV, or your friend's place while watching the Super Bowl. BUt does not include your company picnic where you play volleyball and horse shoes. I know you were thinking it!

Facials . . . . . . No, Not That Kind!

2008-08-14T10:12:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was my birthday and my fiance surprised me with a coupon to get a facial at a very nice day spa. I was pleasantly surprised, I mean we have been together for awhile and was therefore expecting socks or underwear or something (no, we are not in a rut already)! Well, after wlaking ina nd the chuckling died down, I went into some back room where a very attractive women told me to take off my shirt and get under the sheets and relax.

Well, while in a heated bed, naked from the top up, having a beautiful women with soft, supple hands caressing my face, shoulders and arms, I quickly realized there is no way I could relax. And one of the many thoughts that was running through my head was, would this be a more relaxing experience if the women giving me the facial was not so hot. I mean I kept contorting my face in order for her to see my better side and she was therefore unable to relax at all. Also, the whole time I kept thinking that I needed to tip this woman extra because she was attractive. If she was not so, I really would not have cared what she thought of me or if I tipped her at all. Why do men always get uncomfortable around very attractive strangers? I mean I bought $50 in exfoliating after shave balm, WHAT????

Ya Ya YUCK!

2008-08-08T21:09:00.001-04:00

What excuse do I give my fiance when she invariably asks to go see that Travelling Pants movie?

Why do we Hate our Sports

2008-07-30T16:51:00.003-04:00

What is it about sports, sportstars, and everyone and thing that is associated with sports including mascots, agents (sometimes one in the same) and referees that gets us so worked up. I mean the Vikings were nervous about trading for Jared Allen because he had 3 DUI's and once instantly branded as a "character issue guy." I mean the one DUI was in Idaho and the other two were in Kansas, I mean come on. Shia LaBeouf on the other hand at the tender age of 22, was arrested early in the morning for misdemeanor criminal trespassing in a Chicago Walgreens after refusing to leave when asked by a security guard. Then an arrest warrant was issued for LaBeouf after he failed to turn up to a court appearance. The hearing was in relation to a ticket he received for unlawful smoking in Burbank, California. And then again recently authorities arrested LaBeouf on misdemeanor drunk driving charges in Los Angeles.

Despite the transgressions of these two public figures, only Allen is looked upon on as a bad character guy, while the only negative tings we have to say about Shia is that he is the biggest asshole for getting to kiss Megan Fox, talk about overvaluing one's worth.

Which leads me to another tandem and their reputations that I just do not understand, Tim Donaghy vs. Martha Stewart. Tim Donaghy was sentenced to 15 months in federal court where he faced 33 months and was given credit for his cooperation with federal authorities. Donaghy has been branded as a rogue, greedy, compulsive, diseased person that brought shame upon the NBA, and most shockingly that his sentence was too light. REALLY! Ok - Donaghy comitted his crime for a measly $2,000 which was later upped all the way to a whopping $5,000 per pick.

Martha Stewart who had such a dramatic fall after her release from jail in March of 2005 that her Martha Stewart line at KMart has been expanded (ok, well that was a bad example), she has products sold in Sears stores, has her own TV show called The Martha Stewart Show which was nominated for 6 Emmys, and a TV show that is an adaptation of The Apprentice. This does not include her many cameos in shows like Ugly Betty, the Today Show, etc. She also has her own Sirius radio show and has incredible brand equity that reaches from books, wines, to home building. But let us examine how many people Martha Stewart, the martyr of all white collar business women, effected and by effected I mean SCREWED OVER!

Martha Stewart illegally used insider information to sell nearly 4000 shares of ImClone a day before the FDA had a negative ruling on an ImClone product. She was able to avoid a loss of $46,000. The charges levied against her included; conspiracy, obstruction of an agency proceeding, and making false statements to federal investigators and was sentenced to 5 MONTHS!!!! Justice, where - definitely not in the realm of public opinion!

Phat Date or Fat Date????

2008-07-26T18:26:00.002-04:00

SO I went out with this girl I had met in DC who was from Chicago (I have always wanted to start a story like this). We decided to meet up over Christmas which I was spending with my family in a Chicago suburb. We decided to meet up it had been a couple of months since we had hung out in DC and although we talked I was not sure if I was wasted or if she really was cute, so I was nervous like I was going on a blind date!

Well, I go downtown to pick her up relatively nervous and actally talking to her the whole way into the city which is about a 45 minute drive. The talking is making things more uncomfortable because now I know she is going to disappoint, which of course was prophetic on my part. I get to her spot overlooking Lake Michigan in the heart of the city a beutiful building with a nice doorman, views, pool, the whole nine yeards. She comes down as I am idling and I quickly realized why this girl was so nice to me and eager to hook up when I was wasted but never was confident enough to meet up again!

She was obviously somewhat shorter than I remeber and MUCH bigger, so I am very dissappointed but not being a dick I still decide that we should keep our dinner plans. So we head over to an Indian restaurant and I am quickly becoming more and more obnoxious. Maybe I am a dick after all. Well we get to the restaurant and before I am even seated she has already ordered a drink, damn chicks are coniving and they always know how to stick to a guy, I mean even the not so good looking chicks know that once the date is going nowhere you nmight as well make the best of it by ordering as much food and as many drinks as possible. To make a long night short, this girl that I was not interested in ordered SO MUCH food that the waiter at one point turn to her and says "ma'am, I think that is enoogh food!" I lost it! It was worth all the money I spent that night, taking some fat girl grocery shopping!

Nite out in Philly

2008-07-24T12:59:00.002-04:00

I went out in Philadelphia for one nite with 2 of my friends.....well it was a great nite of partying in the city of brotherly love (worst city phrase ever).....my friend Yadu was on fire with the ladies at this first place we hit up (i think it was the new shirt he was rockin...he was a whole new man)...ladies were coming up to him asking what he was drinking...it was a very fruity drink but it worked...i need to start drinking those drinks..note to myself.....I was on the dance floor bustin a move as usual when im at club/lounge.... and my other friend Uteen was waiting at the door chillin with the bouncers....he loves to get to know them in case he ever comes back in philly......weird strategy but in 6 months when he comes back to Philly he is set if that club is still around......

Well we got back to the room after getting late nite food.....uteen and i took one bed and we split the sheets so there is no crossing the swords or spooning....and yadu and his nocturnal emmissions of the girls he was kickin to..... got the other bed........well i guess about 2 hrs into being knocked out i woke up and saw uteen was gone....i thought he might have went to the bathroom to vomit or urinate then i turn around and i see uteen on the other bed with yadu (in the spooning position) and i was like so thats what they do everynite in their apartment.....they are roommates if you have not realized.....i think they waited until i fell asleep and had to share a bed cause they couldnt go one nite without spooning/whatever else those two crazy kids do.....then 2 hours later uteen came back to his orginal spot which im sure was so i never suspected anything about him switching beds or yadu satisfiying him.......well then in the morning i realized that uteen always sleeps in his boxers and then yadu came out under the covers in lets just say it could only be described as a black bananahammock and no shirt and i know they didnt split the sheets like i did with uteen...and then it was like nuthin happened...i asked if i was dreaming and if uteen went over to yadu's bed and they just explained no.....i was still buzzing...and they changed the subject very quickly........i felt i had to share that with all the readers cause now im seeing a therapist for the nitemares i have expierenced since that nite.......

Random Thoughts

2008-07-21T21:27:00.001-04:00

When someone storms out of a room after an argument, where do they usually go?

How to Lose a Penis in One Day

2008-07-20T23:35:00.005-04:00

…starring Mr. Yardeeds. A true story about a man who unknowingly experienced a girls weekend

Saturday

7:00pm - Dinner reservations with a couple of friends who happen to be girls (not gonna call them my girlfriends).

7:20pm - Showed up late for dinner because I took too long getting ready…needed a proper blowdry.

7:45pm - ~~Enjoyed~~ Had a mojito.

9:30pm - Group continued the night at club to check out some live chick oriented music.

11:30pm - Decided to take the party home for the night, where we enjoyed sorbet, then snuggled on the couch while watching “How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days”. ..and that’s no bullshit.

Sunday

11:00am - Got brunch with the girlfriends.

2:00pm - Watched “Mamma Mia!”.

4:00pm - Sorta enjoyed ”Mamma Mia!”.

5:00pm - Either I lost my peen or I’m having the menses.

NBA or Rehab

2008-07-16T00:32:00.001-04:00

I am at work and it is a slow day so I decided to listen to some streaming ESPN Radio when much to my surprise Jay Bilas is on. I was not as much surprised as I was happy especially after three UNC players decided to return to school instead of taking the riches but no guarantee of the NBA. And I figure that Jay Bilas a former Duke player would talk a bit about how UNC is the PROHIBITIVE favorite going into the season, but instead I hear Jay talking about a Fifth Grader kicking butt on the playground. What prompted him to talk about this particular 5th grader is Billy Gillespie offering a scholarship to an 8th grader, who was not even named Damon Bailey and from what I saw online afterwards was probably not related to Damon Bailey either.
And here is the rest of it.
Now is it just me or is that RIDICULOUS! I mean the joke on the air was that the street agents were offering these kids lollipops and jolly ranchers to ensure their representation. I know that nowadays recruiting is hyper competitive and basketball and football programs at major universities are sometimes more successful in a monetary sense than several major professional sports franchises, BUT STILL! I also realize that kids these days are much more "grown" than when I was in 7th or 8th grade. I mean I got sent to school with the same shirt my brother wore the day before. To many of you that may not be a big deal, but my brother and I went to a high school that had in its entirety 100 people and we were only 2 grades apart. And many of the shirts I am describing were loud and several were made of silk, making us the straight Isaac Mizrahi's of our school, before being straight-gay was a good thing.
My point in all of this clutter is that to let kids be kids. I mean the argument on the side of the coaches offering scholarships is that Billy Gillespie is being a positive influence on the kids he is offering scholarships to. Yeah that is only true firstly if Billy Gillespie stays at the university and secondly, only if the kid does not blow out his knee and subsequently gets his scholarship revoked. That is a hard thing for a junior or senior in high school, just imagine how that could send an 7th or 8th grader spiralling!

Lucky Rodgers

2008-07-16T00:25:00.001-04:00

Is there a more unlucky person out there than Aaron Rodgers. I mean he starts his NFL experience with the draft process. He was touted as a top tier QB that could be the first or second overall pick. While, the 49ers decided on Alex "Small Hands" Smith, the world watched as ESPN kept showing Rodgers in the Green Room on the verge onf tears as he saw millions of dollars slip away as team after team decided that they did not need another disappointing Jeff Tepford tutored QB on their team. Finally, he was drafted by the Green Bay Packers!
And here is the rest of it.
Wow, the pundits said, what a shrewd move by the Packers brass, they have finally found the successor to Brett Favre, I mean Favre was definitely NOT the QB he had been in the past, and now they could groom Rodgers for a year or at the most 2 and hopefully Green Bay will have the same success as Cincinnati did with Carson Palmer. Hopefully, Favre would leave gracefully and Rodgers would have ontrol of the team. Things to this effect were looking good - I mean Favre had led the league in interceptions, however, Rodgers gets to play in a meaningless game and gets injured. Rodgers subsequently misses the rest of the season, but it does not matter that much I mean Favre has just thrown his 30th interception of the season. Favre must be done! Well, Rodgers has to wait for one more year so that Favre can have his farewell tour, I mean he has given the game "so much" so why not let him ride off in the sunset?

Guess what - that is exactly what he did! Favre decides to go out and have one of the best years he has ever had! Favre, however, decides that this is it, I mean he can no longer take the "rigors of Monday to Friday." Rodgers rolls into camp thinking he is the man and has taken the reigns of a championship caliber team, he has a strong arm and did play well in his only meaningful game of the season against Dallas. Well, finally things are changing for the positive for Rodgers and his NFL experience may be just what he deserves. I mean he is really now lucky FAVRE IS COMING BACK!!!! Thus, Rodgers can continue to collect his lucrative rookie checks, the team will NEVER get rid of him as long as Favre plays, he will never actually get hit in a game because Favre never misses a game, so Rodgers will never get injured, he will always have public sympathy on his side, and most importantly we will never have to know why SO MANY TEAMS passed on Rodgers in the first place!

30 Rock

2008-07-16T00:14:00.001-04:00

Is Tina Fey hot or not? Remember that website amihotornot.com, well the site is tailor made for someone like Tina Fey. I can never figure out while watching 30 Rock if she is a cougar or kind of homely, librarian-like.

Country

2008-07-02T13:32:00.002-04:00

So a buddy of mine just moved to Nashville. Him and his wife are typical northeasterners with their rat race mentality and fast paced lifestyle at all. They are Obama supporters and Prada loafer wearers, obviously a perfect fit in the deep South (below Southern VA and excluding South Carolina is the deep South).

And here is the rest of it.

My buddy is now all moved in and is lucky enough to have chosen a place that has a lot of things going on for young people including an apartment complex happy hour which him and his wife excitedly attend! They really want to meet new people and get a taste of the local flavor and I mean more than just the whiskey! My buddy not the most social person in a bunch finds himself in a conversation regarding golf courses in the surrounding area to which he pays particular attention. He likes golf and thinks he is good and it is a perfect way to cement some new friendships. He listens intently for the perfect time to join the conversation when the Southerner telling the story starts on a tale of how him and his buddies occasionally bust out their 22's on the golf course and shoot their way to birdies and pars. This was obviosuly quite disconcerting to my buddy whom has only ever shot his load while doing research for several of his blog postings. Not kowing how to react my buddy deicded that he would still like to join the foursome and he even set up a tee time, lets just hope Dick Cheney is not one of teh other three people he goes golfing with!

Collapse

2008-06-13T18:39:00.004-04:00

I am leaving a restaurant last night after having great food, wherein I was accompanied by a buddy of mine that has placed a $100 wager on the NBA Finals. He is a typical holier than thou type where he claims that he would NEVER, I mean NEVER bet online or through someone, but has no qualms witha CASUAL $100 bet with a co-worker. I do not know about you but any bet over $20 is no longer casual, and you have graduated to that step where I do not want to hear about the ills of gambling from you. This, however, is not the point of my post. As we left the restaurant around halftime of the game which of course was like 11p EST, the Lakers were ahead of the C's by nearly 20 points, and were absolutly dominant.

And here is the rest of it.

As I am in a cab on my way home I get a text indicating that the 4th quarter was about to start and the Lakers were up by only 2 points, I was shocked, especially considering the Lakers have the best player and most clutch player in all of basketball (there is a difference just think A-Rod Yankee fans). So I sat down at home to watch the 4th quarter and I quickly realized that the Celtics had no real European players, while the Lakers had three key European players playing major minutes (Gasol, Vujacic and Radmanovich).

I am by no means anti-French, having never used the phrase "Freedom Fries" to complement my McDonalds Big Mac, nor am I xenophobic and want to close our borders. Neither am I the type that was elated over the advent of European players in the NBA, because it brought back "white" players. I am just a regualr guy who is calling like I see it, and that is that the European players COMPLETELY lack the toughness that is needed to win an NBA title. If it was all about skill why are people knocking PJ Brown's door when he was semi-retired, and not a "D LEague" team would give Sprewell a chance. Fine, maybe there is an attitude argument there, but my point is not lost, and that is, it takes a toughness that European players lack in order to win NBA titles, so until Bynum becomes the secondary focus of the Lakers and not Gasol we can stop all of the Laker Dynasty chatter!

Air Guitar

2008-06-09T10:42:00.004-04:00

Last Wednesday my buddies and I went to an air guitar show. Well the night actually started with real guitars. When we got to the air guitar regional championships there was a heavy metal Bee Gees cover band playing and trying to get the audience in the "right mood." If I were to become aware of my surroundings I would have quickly realized that I am in a crowd of very unique people, but oddly enough it was a telling cross section of the general DC populace, well actually the large DC African American community was conspicuously absent, but the 930 Club that night was host to many young lawyer-type yuppies, leaving their billables in order to party with the stoner, grass roots hippie guy, who had just left his Sierra Club meeting.
And here is the rest of it.
As for the show itself, nothing beyond the actual "air guitaring" was predictable. As you can ask the gentleman named "The Masturbating Boogar," who did a stage dive and nobody caught him. There were men running around in assless chaps, others with superhero outfits, wher etheir superpower was probably the ability to show off their package in the best light!
The show had a legitimate judge panel consisting of; a writer for the Washington Post entertainment section, a writer from the Onion, and the final judge had his own XM Radio show. All in all it was a really fun experience and I am definitely going back next year, but the air guitar gruppies did freak me out!

Pirate Talk: Child's Play

2008-06-06T01:22:00.007-04:00

(Setting - In me cabin, kickin it with the ole wench. Just finished plunderin her booty.)

Girl: "Don't you think we could make good looking kids?"

Guy: "Sure."

(End of Scene)

Translation: When a first mate says "sure" in this case, he really be thinkin’ "Hmmmm, more like a 50% chance of producin’ good lookin’ kids, and that's 'cause I be in the equation."

Stay Classy Me Mateys And here is the rest of it.

Batman Forever, not if he gets SHOT!

2008-06-05T10:34:00.003-04:00

One of the most synonymous events that comes with summer are movie blockbusters. One such blockbuster this summer has been Iron Man starring Robert Downey Jr. First of all who and or what the hell is an Iron Man, and HOW was Robert Downey Jr. cast as a superhero, hold on wait a second . . . . is Iron Man a superhero? Since nobody on the planet that has not seen the Iron Man movie has no idea what an Iron Man is, I will ask a better question is Batman a superhero?

And here is the rest of it.

Some have been quoted as saying that this age old question is as important to the fabric of society as "what came first the chicken or the egg." It is a very togh question because the obvious knee jerk response is "Hell yeah dude, of course he is! He takes on all of the crime and criminals in Gotham." But upon further reflection people usually go the other way, and this is usually done after soemone brings up Superman and does the natural Superman vs. Batman comparison. In some circles people have gotten so angry at the comparison between Superman and Batman that they have even suggested that Batman is nothing more than a vigilante with a utility belt. The answer as to most great questions lies somewhere in between. I will leave you with the words of Dwight Schrute "a hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human a part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma or out of a disaster and must be avenged. We all have ahero in our heart!" And this last statement may be the key!

The Audacity of Prole

2008-06-04T00:02:00.002-04:00

I have glorious news to share with everyone. One of our most loyal readers (Rani) did a Google search of our humble blog, and low and behold, she discovered there are several websites that are starting to sell Festivus clothing (link 1, link 2, link 3). I couldn’t believe it until I saw the sites with my own ~~eyes~~ teary eyes. I guess our fans are so excited about the new blog, they couldn’t help but do some guerrilla marketing on our behalf.

About 3 months ago, the Festivus Prole started as a simple humor blog aimed to bring laughter to the masses. Sure we knew the chips were stacked against us…the interweb has tens, maybe hundreds of blogs. What the hell made our views worthy of a blog…especially at this stage of the game? Even more, who the hell would want to read what we had to say?

Well guess what: America ~~wanted~~ needed to hear what we had to say. Through ~~hard~~ some work and word of mouth, we have entered the lexicon of the blogosphere.

Some may call it a following, maybe even a movement. I call it progress. This isn’t a victory for the writers of the Prole. This is a victory for you, the readers. We did it together. Now lets enjoy the ride to 6000 hits…and wear your Festivus gear with pride. And here is the rest of it.

Birthday Song Thoughts

2008-06-03T13:22:00.004-04:00

So, today is the birthday of a close friend and my sister. And because I am the little-known writer of the lyrics to the Ricky Martin hit song "She Bangs", I take a keen interest in the world of songwriting and lyrics. Incidentally, I was also the person who recommended that Ricky sing the song on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial during the 2001 presidential inauguration celebration. I thought the song fit the moment...you're welcome, America. But I digress.

My point today is to wonder about the person who invented the tack-on line (technical term we songwriters use) at the end of the Happy Birthday song "...and many more!!!!!" First, it's a beautiful bit of writing. The birthday song itself is imbalanced: melodic without any harmonic counterweight. This line at the end offers a nice contrast, sung in a rich baritone.

I imagine the guy who first came up with it was showered with acclaim: "Hey, Mort, did you think that up? Nice work! Really compensates for leaving that floater upstairs!" And it spread virally from there. People at that momentous party carried this newly created tradition with them and it spread throughout the English-speaking world. And once people got into the routine of attending the same persons' parties year after year, I'm betting at some point Mort would hear someone else try and cop his idea. And he would get a bit defensive, approach the offender after the song and offer, "You know, you sang my bit? I created that." And the offender would look surprised and think: "Wow, that's pretty cool. I just met the guy who started the 'and many more!!!!' tradition. It's a bit weird that he would actually bring that up but he seems like a nice inoffensive guy."

But I'm betting that at some point Mort overplayed his hand. Fast forward five to ten years after most people, and assuredly all of his close friends and family, became familiar with the closing line. I'm sure Mort's continued protests became annoying..."Yes, Mort, we know you invented the goddamn line! You bring this up every year! At first, it was charming and you deserved your due but it's in the ether now! It's a part of the culture, you've had your moment, now LET IT GO!!! Are we really gonna have to go through this EVERY YEAR?!?! We celebrate someone's special day and you continue to harp on this?!?!?! This is why your wife left and you're an alcoholic!!! You're obsessed! GET OVER IT!!! You created a charming little line to a beloved song but your best days are behind you!"

To paraphrase George Carlin, "These are the things I wonder about when the power goes out." But if you ever meet a guy named Mort who seems like a really bitter prick, start humming the Happy Birthday song...just to test and see if this is the guy.

Sandler & Myers

2008-06-02T20:55:00.002-04:00

So tis the season for summer movies and with the usual superhero movies, a Will Smith 4^th of July movie, sequels, Judd Apatow produced movies starring his entourage, and one or two chick flicks…I usually look forward to summer blockbuster movies cause they are films you want to see in the theater for the huge screen and maybe the atmosphere…not just to pull the popcorn trick on my date (def don’t use butter if you try to do this trick…Big Head Tom warned me)….BUT in June there are 2 “so called” comedies coming out “Love Guru” starring Mike Myers and “Don’t Mess with the Zohan” featuring Adam Sandler….I don’t think I am the only one who thinks how did these movies get greenlit to be made…..I actually use to enjoy a Myers/Sandler movie but seeing the trailers for the latest movies (which I didn’t laugh once)… I think I can say they def lost there touch and this is why…..

1) Really the characters they are playing will get love interests Jessica Alba and Emmanuelle Chirqui…again really..i understand they are trying to get people to come see there movies...the women are getting hotter and hotter in their movies and their characters are getting more ridiculous each time...I guess I will grow a weird looking beard, talk in a funny accent, dance strangely, and act gay and maybe I can land a girl like Alba or Chirqui……I will take Elizabeth Hurley and Jessica Beil….or Heather Graham or Beyonce and the list goes on….

2) Also are the love interests getting younger and younger as Myers and Sandler are getting older and older…so I am guessing next year movies will be... a comedy starring Dakota Fanning as Mike Myer’s lover and he finds out its his daughter and Adam Sandler will be a teacher in middle school romancing Amanda Bynes and Miley Cyrus at the same time…I am predicting these films will be made…

3) Does Rob Schneider and Verne Troyer have to be in every movie….I know they wouldn’t have a so called career if it wasn’t for them…. I mean otherwise they would be on Celebrity Fit Club or Surreal Life (wait Verne Troyer did that..so I guess it’s ur turn Schneider)….Def need to bring some new sidekicks in….there is so many small jokes or foreign jokes u can do…..

4) Stick with normal comedy…don’t try romantic comedies or serious films...After the third Austin Powers... Myers tried View from the Top and Nobody Knows Anything (a serious movie that went to DVD) and hasn’t recovered unless it’s a voice of an ogre….Sandler made duds such as Spanglish and Reign over Me and his movies haven’t been good since Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison days...my suggestion is time to combine your efforts and star in one comedy so maybe it will be funny….it cant get any worse……

So hopefully Will Ferrell you are reading this cause your career seems to be following the same path…”Bewitched”…did u need the money?…..and stop making films about sports….what is next?.. kickball?…..it is probably under production as I write this blog…

Caption Contest #2

2008-06-02T16:06:00.005-04:00

Winning caption gets a shoutout in comment box. Please make up a name and not be "Anonymous"...easier to name winner that way.

SATC & Entourage - Match made in Heaven, only in Hollywood!

2008-05-30T13:15:00.006-04:00

While sitting on my fiance's couch with my hand down my pants, mostly because now that we are engaged her's is never there, I am watching TV when the Sex and the City (SATC - just learned that acronym a few days ago from Brewmaster) movie commercial comes on. My fiance from deep within her REM sleep shouts out "my friends think I am most like Samantha" of the four women on SATC!
Now this piqued my curiosity. I wanted to find out a little more about the woman I am going to marry in a couple of months. I had a rudimentary knowledge of whom the characters were and I knew Kristen Davis was a hotty and Carrie is married to Matthew Broderick in real life. But I was unaware of what it meant to be likened to Samantha.

I went to HBO on Demand and started watching a couple of episodes of SATC to see what Samantha was all about. Much to my surprise Kim Cattrell, who has not been hot since Mannequin, was a major slut and honestly completely upgrading, I mean "The Absolute Hunk" is a very attractive man, but I digress. After watching a few episodes (I had to for research not because I liked the show) and realizing that Samantha really was slutty, I mean every other word out of her mouth was "sex" and "penis" and "hardcore," etc., I was a bit unnerved.

So I went to one of my favorite TV shows, Entourage, for solace. And I quickly realized that a lot of my friends think I am very similar to Johnny Drama. Mostly because my brother in most groups would be Vinny Chase, and anytime I am in NYC I I get treated like a rockstar but not because of my own credentials. This made me think long and hard about my fiance's Samantha comment, which I am not going to lie was bugging me a little bit! After much internal deliberation, reflection and a few Aftershock shots I came to the realization that there is no better woman on SATC to be with Johnny Drama than Samantha. Their personas would be perfect for one another, unfortunately, however, that is life in Hollywood and me in the real world am still pissed off that some of my fiance's friends think she is most like Samantha of the four SATC women.

Pirate Talk: Loaded Questions

2008-05-30T01:25:00.011-04:00

(Setting - laying starboard, appreciating the company of me wench.)

Girl: “What is the sexiest part of my body?”

Guy: “Hmmm…I guess I have to say yer eyes.”

Girl: “Why?”

Guy: “Uhhhh…I can get lost in them.”

(End of Scene)

Moral of Story (for Guys): If ya answered "eyes", you are correct. "Lips" or "smile" are also acceptable. At one point or another, every first mate has been asked this age old question. This post exists to fill ya in on the right answer. Oh yeah, don’t get cute and say her “mind” is her sexiest part. That, me matey, is a loaded answer.

Moral of Story (for Girls): Why must ya always ask guys this question? No guy in his right mind will mention any body part below the neck...but if he did, make the barnacle brained blaggard walk the plank.

Stay Classy

Shaken, not Stirred....

2008-05-29T14:22:00.008-04:00

So I was listening to an NPR report about the new Bond film coming out and the film’s writer was describing how he tried to portray Bond as more introspective this time around. He said he attempted to get into the mind of the guy who was equal parts charming, sophisticated, calculating and dangerous…the kind of guy who always ordered his martinis shaken, not stirred. This got me thinking about the terminology behind the various ways people can request a drink….yes, it took me 3 sentences, 1 being a run-on, to get to this point. I covered a few of the more popular variations of how drinks can be ordered and I added a few extras just for fun, maybe you can pick them out. As I usually do with my lists, I offer my non-justifiable, non-relevant perspective of each term, including generalizations about the people who order drinks using the respective term.

Blend: If the bar has a blender, your drink is ‘blend’ capable. If you are a dude and order your drinks blended, you probably are completely confused by the previous caption post (below), not understanding the humor in the picture.

Shake: This refers to the placing of the ingredients into a cocktail shaker, usually with ice, and shaking five to ten times so that the ingredients are thoroughly mixed and chilled by the ice. The contents are then usually strained out into a glass. I guess it makes the beverage cold without diluting it. If a bartender has an elaborate method for blending drinks involving tossing the shaker, stacking them, or doing some kind of awkward dance, he should be reminded that the movie ‘Cocktail’ turned 20 years old this year and that his moves are dated.

Stir: Take a long, thin object, place it into a container which holds the drink ingredients, and move it around in a vigorous, circular motion. You're stirring! Arguably the most popular (and functional) stirred beverage is Metamucil….yes, that is the best I could come up with.

Rinse: Rinsing is achieved by pouring small amount of a liqueur into the glass, swirling it around, making sure that the entire interior is coated, then discarding the excess. This just sounds sophisticated. I bet many bartenders are not familiar with this technique, not to mention how much would they charge ($) for such a luxury? If I were a bartender, I would assume the person who requests a rinse is either a baller or a complete douche, to which the bartender should charge an inordinate amount for the beverage; teach them a lesson for going all pretentious on them.

Rim: Rimming involves moistening the…uhhh….outside of the rim…ummm…of the glass, usually with a wedge of lime or lemon (though sometimes liqueurs are used), and rolling it in a dry ingredient, such as salt or sugar, for instance, in order to introduce extra flavor and texture to the drink. I was going to make the obvious joke involving rim jobs but there is actually a drink/shot called a ‘rim job’ (Salt, Bailey's Irish Cream, Scotch, Vodka, Heavy Cream, Sugar )…how did I miss that one in my last post.

Twist: Twists, usually of the lemon, lime or orange variety, are small pieces of fruit peel that are literally twisted over a cocktail by the bartender so that their essential oils are released onto the top of the drink. I have no qualms with ordering drinks with a lemon or lime, but I never refer to it as a twist. I think because I naturally I think of the homonym definition of the word ‘twist’, as in a surprise plot twist in a movie. Would it not be funny if someone asked for their drink with a twist, and the bartender serves it up and after the first sip, the bartender says, ‘oh snap, you just drank a rufee…TWIST!!!’

Dirty Sanchez It Up: Any beverage which is stirred with the finger used to execute a Dirty Sanchez maneuver (defn #3). The drink is usually purchased for an enemy, rival or nemesis of some sort. The drink can also be ordered, incognito, by doing the faux throat slicing motion to the bartender after order the beverage.

Caption Contest #1

2008-05-28T14:41:00.006-04:00

Caption this picture. The winner, uhhh...gets a shoutout in our comment box to the right.

Born on the 4th of July

2008-05-27T14:53:00.002-04:00

The film opens when Ron Kovic a young boy living in Massapequa, Long Island, New York. He grows up in a patriotic and Catholic household, as a member of his high school's wrestling team, he proves himself physically fit and athletic, as well as an exceptional student academically. When local Marine recruiting NCOs visit his school and give Ron and his fellow seniors an impassioned lecture about the Corps, Ron decides to enlist. He misses his own prom, because he's unable to secure a date with his love interest, DONNA. He confronts her at the dance, kisses her, then says goodbye.

This is the backdrop of the Oliver Stone movie starring Tom Cruise taken from Wikipedia, and those whom have seen it knows how it ends.

And here is the rest of it.

On my drive to the nation's capital on Memorial Day I was not doing so much reflecting as I was trying to not puke from the vicious hangover I had from the weekend. While trying to stay awake and listening to the radio in my friend's car I came across a radio show host that was absolutely slamming a real life Donna. For those of you that do not know Donna's story, it goes like this; After Ron gets back from the Vietnam War permanently in a wheelchair him and Donna his love interest before the war are reunited and there is no more love in the air from her side, she cannot cope with his WARTIME injury.

Now back to the present day; well it seems that there is a woman who has decided to dump her husband who was on a tour of duty in Iraq due in large part to an injury he sustained while abroad. He has lost both his legs and consequently now suffers from PTSD, phantom itching and most importantly a broken heart.

Now I am not taking sides on the matter and the way I have written the posting it may seem that I am taking the soldier's side, but that is not true. Because I do feel that his wife has every right to be with whomever she wants and deserves happiness, love, and the ability of "her man" to rear her children - whatever that means, but honestly in a time with so much unceratinty and hostility, and angst and uneasiness, should you not hold onto the people that cherish you and are willing to show you with more than mere words.

Let's get our crunk on...

2008-05-23T12:44:00.015-04:00

While walking around a wine store over the weekend, I witnessed a female purchase a curiously named wine called ‘Bitch’. My first thought was that the wine must be pretty shitty in order to require a compensating name specifically geared to the marketing of the product. I asked the gentleman working the register if the wine was any good, to which he replied ‘I have no idea, I just know we sell a ton of it, mainly to females’. I could just imagine a group of females buying a case of the wine for a bachelorette party, giggling afterwards (hehe) like little school girls who are being naughty. Regardless, the marketing concept stuck with me. I recall how back in my college days, people would buy drinks because of the popularity of the name, mainly because we lacked the knowledge of more sophisticated cocktails. It reminded me of ridiculous drink names which contain sexual innuendo. Thru some basic internet research, I have come up with a list of some of the more popular sexual innuendo drink names (below), including my assessment based on the ingredients. Unsurprisingly, none of the drinks I came across include top shelf ingredients.

•Sex on the Beach (vodka, peach schnapps, cranberry, and orange juice): Arguably the most notorious of all sexual innuendo drinks. I can’t help but feel embarrassed for anyone over the age of 22 years ordering this drink. Literally, the thought of sex on the beach doesn’t sound like anything particularly desirable, unless of course you like the thought of sand between your toes and in your orifices.

•Slow Comfortable Screw (sloe gin, Southern Comfort, and orange juice): I guess sloe gin is some ridiculously sweet version of standard gin. The combination of any ingredient with Southern Comfort immediately trashes up the concoction a notch. Needless to say, many of the innuendo drinks I came across included this staple ingredient. Btw, a Comfortable Screw up Against a Wall in Mexico is the same as above, just add tequila. I wonder if Milk in Mexico tastes like ass. Speaking of which….

•Piece of Ass (Amaretto, Southern Comfort, sour mix): Based on the ingredients and how I think the drink would taste, having the word ‘ass’ in the name is probably appropriate. I can just imagine some (ex-)fraternity boys thinking they are all bad ass because they just ordered shots of piece of ass, high-fiving, thinking that ‘hey, if my obvious juvenile and overall colloquial camaraderie with my boys does not attract you to me, ladies, maybe I should tell you what I am drinking at the moment’.

•Buttery Nipple (Bailey’s Irish Cream, Butterscotch Schnapps): Why nipple? Was it the last semi-sexual part of the anatomy left unclaimed? I would have to say, the drink sounds pretty good…too bad I am a dude.

•Fuzzy Dick (Kahlua, Gran Marnier, coffee, whipped cream): What do people think when they hear this name...delicious? Maybe if you are a multi-tasker and you like to floss while performing fellatio, I don’t know. This drink also sounds half way decent. Unfortunately, I would rather list the ingredients to the bartender rather then ask for it by name.

•Screaming Orgasm (Kahlua, Irish Cream, Amaretto, vodka): I am not sure who the target demographic for this drink is? Do females gain the equivalent satisfaction in this drink as with a (screaming) orgasm? What about the dudes? If that is the case, I will probably drink it prematurely, feel sort of guilty, and probably be hunkering down for a nap soon after finishing it off.

•The Handjob (Jack Daniels and Squirt): The ingredients in this cocktail define the name and vice-versa. If the bartender doesn’t know the ingredients, just tell him it is ‘Jack n’ Squirt’. Guys, this always impresses the hot female bartenders.

•Whiskey Dick (find man, add whiskey, watch penis turn flaccid): This drink is more of a warning to the dudes and promiscuous ladies.

Fortune Cookies

2008-05-22T13:33:00.004-04:00

**Thanks to reader YIDDO for this pic.....

A colleague and I ordered take out Chinese food for lunch the other day and after our great meal we were looking forward to the fortune cookies….not cause the cookies are delicious (samoas have them beat by a longshot), but to read the fortunes….but is it me or have the fortunes gotten terrible…maybe they sucked and I haven’t realized until now....for example mine said “Swimming through your soul will find happiness”….what the hell does that mean….is that even a fortune….it sounds like they hired rejected poets who couldn’t publish their poems to write one liners at the Chinese fortune cookie factory in Harrisburg, PA……my colleague’s fortune said “As the purse is emptied the comfort is filled”….again what kind of fortune am I suppose to get from this…he is a dude so does he carry a man purse that I haven’t made fun of yet....now I know why they put lucky numbers cause the fortunes suck….even the numbers are some deal they struck with the state lottery so suckers will buy a ticket….thinking they got winning ticket cause the fortune cookie said so…then they count their profits while laughing at us...
MORE after the link...

Well I think I can write better fortunes and get paid six figures for it (not sure if they get a six figure salary but lets say so)…..they need to go back to the basic and tell some kind of fortunes to people…..Like “You will catch a STD next month”…..at least after u read the fortune….u will be thinking….like damn next month I better be careful on my choice of hookers on Wednesdays nites or I better not ride the tractor nude anymore…or “National Boss Day will come with a slap”….so now till October your mind will be wondering will my boss be slapping me or will it be someone else…..will the slap be on my ass or on my face…will I be involved in a slap bet with a friend....so much to think about cause of what I read after my meal…..AND that my friend is what a fortune cookie should be all about and I should be writing for them (if any one form Harrisburg, Pa is reading this)……

NEWS FLASH: You're No Tyler Perry

2008-05-22T01:01:00.007-04:00

Have you ever had a conversation with a colleague about their life (family/friends, work, general existence) and while they're talking about their "crazy" lives, they bust out the line "You can make a sitcom of my life!"? For some reason, that statement drives me bonkers. I dunno, maybe the mere arrogance of that statement probably gets to me.

The fact your kid attempted to clean up his Juicy Juice spill with your heirloom quilt isn't that funny...neither is that crazy idea your friend wants to sell to Pizza Hut combining salad, pizza, and Oreo cake into one super deep dish pizza to maximize efficiency. More after the jump...

Hell, my group of friends are freakin hilarious...so hilarious we figured a humor blog would be the perfect vehicle to get our material out to the masses. Soon, ad revenue, website buyout, book deals, sitcom deal, syndication, supermodels, and most importantly, royalties would follow. Needless to say, the Prole has been nothing short of a humbling experience, unless by miracle Bill Simmons or Perez Hilton decide to join the staff.

Anyways, before you tell people your life is soooo hysterical, you deserve a sitcom, ask yourself these simple questions:

1) Were you ever one of the Kings Of Comedy?
2) Did you ever write/star in "SNL" or "In Living Color"?
3) Are you so chubby, people look at you and laugh? (Think Kevin James, Roseanne)
4) Are you a cartoon character?
5) Did a nutty cousin from Eastern Europe recently move in with you?
6) Are you a 20+ yr old African American little person who resembles an 8 yr old?
7) Are you friends in any way with Scott Baio?
8) Do you have a catty British butler?
9) Were you ever a cast member of "Cheers"?
10) Is your name George Lopez?

If you answered "YES" to any of the above questions, contact me asap. I'll make sure no snakes try to steal your great idea. I just want in on the ground floor. Hollywood will chew you up and spit you out ~~prole~~ whole.

Been busy lately...

2008-05-21T12:16:00.003-04:00

But here are two amazing videos:
1. A Senate candidate in Oregon who really "hooks" the voters.
2. Might wanna use headphones, there's cursing in this one. This video created off of the O'Reilly meltdown tape. It's an extended cut of O'Reilly arguing with the producer.

Maxim Hot 100...

2008-05-21T09:51:00.017-04:00

As some of you know...the Maxim Hot 100 came out last week with bad call after bad call. I know its a little dated now, but I have to talk about the list. Yes its completely stupid, and pointless, but so is this blog, so whatever. Regardless someone has to call out the insane-trust that is the maxim editing staff.

I'm gonna break down some of the most glaring crimes against humanity by the staff after the link...

#19
Britney Spears...yh...evidently bald and insane is a very hot look in '08. Someone call up Sinead O'Conner...its comeback time. How is this remotely possible? At this point your first reaction on hearing Britney's name is either pity, or disgust. Yeah, thats how I want my chick to make me feel. Thats hot.

#34
Jessica Alba...are you kidding me...she was #2 in 2007...and she dropped to #34 based on what exactly...? She is insanely hot... she is like Jordan in his prime, you cant stop her, you can only hope to contain her...which is a bad idea, and the main reason I am no longer allowed within 100 ft of her.

#46
Amanda Bynes. Really? Really? Is she even attractive...I am 100% sure I could walk down the street any day of the week, and within 15 mins, spot 3 girls hotter than this chick. I might be alone on this, but I just dont see it. I get that she is spunky and full of energy, but so was Stephanie Tanner...and that ain't happening either. The hottest picture they could find of hers...is this? Having Victoria's Secret models Selita Ebanks (only wearing a ribbon in this link, if youre reading at work), and Karolina Kurkova ranked lower than her...totally makes sense.

#36 Heidi Montag...If we're choosing between fake plasticized chicks who can't sing, I'm going with Ashley Simpson.

#5 Sarah Michelle Geller...Are we sure she is still alive...can someone check on this?

#56. Lauren Conrad – Does MTV own Maxim...how are the 2 main "The Hills" chicks on this list. Seriously in any given scene on “The Hills” Lauren is like the 7th hottest girl on the screen..umm thats what I hear anyways, because I totally dont watch that show (fyi..spencer is such a dick, but brodie is dreamy!!!). Lauren looks like the before picture on a Dove real life commercial....(which I highly recommend watching if you haven't seen it before...its shows a very average looking woman, and how lights, makeup, etc can make her look beautiful...check it out at youtube.... HERE...)

Angelina Jolie...yeah not ranked...a healthy scratch evidently. What did they do....start her in the top 5 and drop her a spot for every kid she has? Lets be real, she is insanely hot. This makes the least sense of any of their choices. When she dies, her decaying corpse should stay in the top 20 for at least another few years.

Fake Friends on Friendster/Facebook

2008-05-19T18:59:00.006-04:00

Last weekend i was at a wedding and met a random person from a common friend....i think we exchanged 3 lines the whole nite.....like "where is the bathroom" or "lets do a tequila shot"....then the next day i checked my email and got a friend request on both facebook and friendster..the emails were sent at 930am which i think is crazy..im sorry but saying 3 lines to a random dude doesnt make us friends..i have not accepted nor will accept his request....i think people forget what the term "Friend" means.....i blame facebook and friendster....i think these websites should have different categories to request a person....here are some of my suggestions after the link...
- Talked while drunk at a bar/club request
- Might invite to my wedding request
- Might give u head nod next time we meet request
- Wanna see how hot the people of the opposite sex that you know request
- Beat my brother/sister on how many people i know request
- Know you through my cousin's roomate's 1st lover in college request
AND Finally
- I had a stiffy when i saw you the 1st time request

Time For Some Elegance

2008-05-19T15:03:00.012-04:00

I couldn't help but notice our readership has been lagging of late. Maybe we have been too focused on ~~mocking~~ solidifying our base as opposed to growing it. So in an effort to bring some class (and new readers) to the Prole, I present to you...some original poetry. Enjoy! (NSFW)

A Day At The Park

Hanging with my babe,
frolicking secret gardens
for which we enjoy.

"Yardeeds, can you smell
the honeysuckles in bloom?"
my babe sure did say.

"Babe, I wouldn't mind
honeysuckling your big
tatas" I replied.

"Yaar, you so crazy..."
the babe done said to Yardeeds
"..but I still love you."

"Yaar, lets lounge by the
beautiful pussy willows
and just reminisce."

"Babe I wouldn't mind
seeing your pussy willow
you know what I mean?"

"Yaar, must everything
be raunchy to you Yardeeds?
Your act gets old fast!"

"Babe, I can't help it
but love you enough to change
I will act mature."

"Yaar, that means alot.
Lets just enjoy the garden
by feeding the ducks."

"Babe, I can't help it...
you do know what duck rhymes with?
but I won't say it."

"Yaar, you mean 'fuck' right?"
said my babe, as she sucker
punched my junk with force.

I guess you can say
my soul was honeysucker
punched, back to hookers.

More Random Inappropriateness

2008-05-19T09:56:00.000-04:00

Is it acceptable to view porn on your girlfriend's computer, or is it "disrespectful?"

Barefoot

2008-05-16T16:54:00.003-04:00

After reading some of the eloquent yet tyrannical posts of late on The Prole, I realized I was finding myself getting worked up at how sometimes people in our socitey take things, places, spaces and people for granted. As I was walking to the bathroom after reading the post on umbrellas, I noticed a gentleman in the bathroom with one shoe on and one shoe off. Do not ask why I was looking under the stall of the bathroom to notice this when I was just using the urinal, but it is a bad habit. I do not like other people in a bathroom with me even though I realize it is a public bathroom and when you work at an organization with 8,000 employees there is a high likelihood that someone will be in the bathroom at the time you have "Bladder Malfunction."
Already in an agitated state prior to witnessing a man in a public restroom with one shoe off, I mean in the guy's defense he was wearing a white sock with yellow trimmings (No, I do not have a foot fetish), I decided I had to research the barefoot disease. Although it may not be a disease, it sure in Hell increases your chances of contracting a disease. And I do not necessarily mean that in a literal sense, I mean it describes a type of person, a person whom has no regard for themselves, others, or their surroundings in general.

I used to work in a very confined space with a guy who wore loafers with no socks, and LOVED to take his loafers off at work. The stench was unbearable and after several days the other workers in the area including myself went to the HR manager and reported the ABUSE! The gentleman was initially reprimanded, but that was not enough - for after a few weeks he was back at it. This ultimately led to his firing. Now what made this man act in a manner that was so reckless that it cost him his job. I mean at this place people would fall asleep at work, people would watch bootleg TV shows and Netflix movies, yet none of them were even scolded.

What is it about barefeet, I mean I like to run through the sand, and even through clean carpet AT MY OWN HOUSE, but what pleasure does one derive from being barefoot in public. I mean it would have been cheaper for my boy to buy a more comfortable pair of shoes in comparison to the lost income upon being fired.

Pesky Umbrellas....

2008-05-16T15:22:00.005-04:00

You know what grinds my gears...umbrella carrying people who aren't cognisant of other people around them. This is especially true for shorter people whose umbrellas are at the perfect height to poke taller people's eyes out. Working in NYC, this is a common occurrence as sometimes whole blocks are full of pedestrians. Needless to say, we are having a wet one here in NYC today. At least try to move your umbrella if you are near other people.

Why I Hate....

2008-05-15T15:36:00.001-04:00

People on escalators....seriously why do people stand on the left side of the escalator. Thats the fast lane my stupid friends. Seriously move over. These are the same people who drive exactly the speed limit in the left lane even though there are like 10 cars piled behind right on their bumper. We get it, your slow, your laid back, you're awesome. People got places to go...not me....because I have no life. But if I did, lord, I would unleash hell on your ass. And by unleash hell, I mean stand behind you staring, unless you turned around...at which pt I would smile and look at the ground. And then several hours later I would make fun of it in a blog. Because I am that awesome. Yea exactly. So suck it dude on the escalator.
And here is the rest of it.

Deep Random Thoughts...

2008-05-15T15:05:00.007-04:00

Don't you hate it when you're running really late for an important meeting/date/whatever...so you run out the door...only to turn back bc you realize you left a hooker (thanks, sneha k) alone in your apartment...except this isnt a cute "Risky Business"/"Pretty Woman" type hooker...but more like a "I'm gonna pawn all your stuff for crack, and maybe baby food too" type hooker.
So then you run back into your apartment, before you realize it was all just a dream, and you laugh at how stupid you are...because you know you cant afford a hooker spending the night. And here is the rest of it.

New Prole Feature

2008-05-14T22:20:00.004-04:00

We're gonna start putting up a poll every few days
you can find them at the top of the right hand sidebar
so take a fews secs to vote

Jon Stewart to the rescue!

2008-05-14T15:56:00.005-04:00

Among my compadres, I am known for having some rather odd opinions: why John Elway was a better QB than Joe Montana, the difference between rap and hip hop or why only certain athletic activities can be considered "sport." Along the lines of these is my belief that journalism is an art form, not too different from being a chef or an artist.

I make a distinction between news reporting and journalism the way one can make a distinction between painting a picture and artistry. As I see it, journalism, like artistry, requires a constant focus, discipline and desire to improve, essentially separating the activity from it being considered simply a job or hobby. It becomes a craft, almost. By this logic, respected Beltway news personalities like Chris Matthews, Tim Russert, George Stephanopoulos, Bob Schieffer, Wolf Blitzer are not journalists. They are all, in my opinion, news reporters at best and political gossipers at worst.
This past Monday night, the Daily Show, I believe, highlighted the meaning of my distinction perfectly. Jon Stewart interviewed Douglas Feith, the former Undersecretary of Defense under the current president and one of the handful of civilian architects of the war in Iraq.

1. First, it is remarkable that Jon Stewart did the interview. Now, I'm not remarking on how difficult it may have been to get the interview but I can't think of a single time I've seen Mr. Feith interviewed, in print or on television, since he left the Pentagon. Hardball, Meet the Press, This Week, anything Wolf Blitzer does...have any of the major cable news channels even tried to interview Mr. Feith in-depth? Now, that's not to say it hasn't happened, I just haven't noticed it. Of course, now that he's promoting a book Feith will make appearances on most, if not all, of these shows.

2. Second, I find it remarkable that despite his position on the issues being so well-known as anti-war and anti-this administration, Stewart asked insightful and (I would argue) fair questions. Rather than asking leading and accusatory questions so common today in most news/politics shows, Stewart seemed to lay a foundation of unimpeachable fact and then cornered Feith with his question.

3. Finally, it was amazing to see someone I disagree with, and to some extent view as an evil entity on par with Dick Cheney, engage in what appeared to be courteous and fair interview. I think Feith was poised and sounded more reasonable than I ever expected and Stewart was able to act in a professional, non-sensationalistic manner. In other words, Stewart acted like those pretending to be journalists should:

A. He didn't seek out pointless contradiction or go for a gotcha question(ahem, Tim Russert?),
B. He didn't loudly harangue his quarry by asking loud, leading questions (ahem, Chris Matthews?)
C. He didn't look like a sixteen year old in his father's suit (ahem, George Stephanopoulos?), and
D. He didn't ask illogical, insulting questions while trying to actually make his point (every conservative commentator that exists today).

There's news reporting and there's journalism. This interview was and is a stunning piece of the craft/lost art that is journalism. Thankfully, there's a reliable place to go for informative and insightful news reporting: a fake news show.

More More Random Thoughts

2008-05-14T15:04:00.003-04:00

When is it appropriate to tell the back story of someone that has just introduced themselves to a third party? Like are you allowed to say, "you know the guy's whose hand you just shook, well when he was at XX University he used to sleep with this girl who had a roommate who used Valtrex. She always claimed it was for cold sores."

Ask the 12th son...

2008-05-14T01:02:00.021-04:00

Dear 12th Son,
What are guys thinking when they decide how long to wait before calling after a date? Because I met this great guy through my sister, who I really like, but wasn't sure if he was into me...so I asked him if he loved me while we were having sex, and he totally said yes....but he hasnt called since then..

Ashley in Austin...

Dear Slutty and Stupid in San Antonio,

Well to be honest I wouldnt wait too much longer, he's a lost cause...and so are you...but for everyone else..here is the general outline of why guys call when they do...

Day 1 caller...
This guy actually has 2 faces....Either this is the socially inept guy thinking.... “I had a great time...too bad our date was interrupted by that weird phone call she got saying her dog and her mother both got sick and that she had to leave all of a sudden...but thats not a problem...i'll call her tonight and tomorrow and we can figure out when she'll be back to finish watching those home movies of me and mom traveling to the Hoover Dam.”

Or you actually get lucky..and get a guy who doesn't want to play games, had a really fun date, and just wants to see how you are doing. Girls will immediately reject this guy as he is “Waaaay too into me”

Day 2 caller...
This guy here figures he's on top of the curve. The old standard used to be wait 3 days before calling. So this guy wants to look like a hip modern 90s type of guy, he doesn't use the old book, he doesn't play by the old rules. Instead he's read the new book, and he plays by the new rules, which say waiting 3 days has become stereotypical and lame...so he will follow the new “2 day rule” until he reads differently.

Day 3 caller...
What can you say about this guy...he thinks Maxim is the bible...he wears Axe body spray...and he starts 90% of his stories with “dude, you wont believe this chick I was with last night.” His friends know 90% of his stories are bullshit. He knows that no real man would ever call before the 3^rd night. He's read “How To Be A Player”, he DVR's Mystery and “The PickUp Artist”, and he's been on enough 1^st dates to know the rules....shockingly, not so many 2^nd dates....

Day 4 caller...
What can you say...you gotta give him some props...bc this guy has serious balls. He is waiting you out...spending his days in the comfort of porn and cookies. He figures 3 days is for ordinary guys. When he walks in front of a mirror...he's known to stop and ask who's got 2 thumbs and is totally awesome.... “This Guy.”

12th...

More Random Thoughts

2008-05-12T18:42:00.002-04:00

Is it alright to laugh if your significant other is crying? What if it is really funny?

Pick Up Artist Kombat

2008-05-09T19:44:00.013-04:00

You know who annoys me…people who read those ridiculous books that “teach” you how to score some poon. You know the types that read them. Since that damn show on VH1, everyone seems to know someone who applies the techniques of the immortal Mystery.

You know why I hate these creeps…they ruin it for nice guys. They make all guys seem like complete morons centered on one thing: bedding a lassie. Here is a basic list of Mystery's tips, referred to as “The Mystery Method“.

Step 1) Prep work: Dress how you want to be perceived. If you want to feel like a big shot banker, dress like Gordon Gekko. If you want to be a rock star, dress like Tommy Lee. If you want to be a douche, dress like Mystery. I think this is referred to as “Peacocking”. The key is to dress as obnoxious as possible.

Step 2) Scout venues: Go to a place where you know there will be plenty of tail. Strength in numbers. The key is to be in the right environment to “get your game on/head right”. Basically, stick to places that don't stage poetry readings.

Step 3) Working the room: When approaching a girl, start with a clever one liner or topic she may find interesting...maybe a joke or observation. Also, make sure you show “high value” and “popularity“. Talk about work, education, hobbies, your ~~three~~ ten inch peen. If you aren’t very interesting, learn to bullshit. After this “non-threatening fun communication”, you “build attraction”.

Step 4) Initiate contact/go for kill. Play with the girl’s hair, rub her arms, etc. Eventually, tell her you want to kiss her. Take girl home. Sex her silly.

Seriously, does it make any sense to take tips on how to score from a guy that looks like this? I feel the need to go off on his followers because they ruin it for me and my fellow privateers. These aren’t tips to get you laid…these are tips to make you a massive asshole. If you are desperate enough buy Mystery's book, you probably are socially inept.

Argh…sorry, that was the Sneha K in me talking. It may come off as bitter, but I truly wonder if girls come across losers that use Pick-Up Artist techniques. Or better yet, what girls fall for this mumbo? Seriously though, any guy that resorts to these tactics should be euthanized on the spot Eight Belles style. Too soon? My bad.

Anyways, the moral of the story is if the ladies knew not all guys use some "method" to meet women, I might just have a shot at consensual sex. Until then, I’ll have to stick to slipping mickeys. Yardeed.

Chasers

2008-05-09T18:18:00.003-04:00

When deciding on what to contribute to The Prole during the 2-week Anniversary special, I was thinking that I should try to contribute ina less sophomoric manner and more in tune with what my fiance would rather read, lets just say I am damn lucky I lay the good pipe! And with that I am back to be being the knucklehead that I am and will now commence yet another story chronicling me and my friend's journey through "Drunken Times."

It is hard when you are in high school, college, grad school, the other day when you are not financially secure yet you want to "do it up" as if you are. Thus, the pre-game is hyper important. Now when you go out around 3 or 4 times a week, it is very easy to run out of supplies, especially because most of the pre-gaming is done at the person's place which is the biggest and can accomodate all of your broke friends easily.

In this forum, everyone has a role; you have the music guy, who always has headphones on and has a copy of the latest Source magazine in his tatered backpack. You have the guy who is in charge of liquor, the one guy who either has an ID or has access to someone who does. This person is always the coolest guy in the group! He has the best clothes, nicest car and always the best product in his hair, oops maybe I divulged too much about the people I kick it with! Then you have the guy who is responsible for the chasers, the convenience store/grocery store guy, he really has no other function and he is usually a cheapskate and definitely a secondary friend. You know the one you do not want to hang out with solo, but in a group is tolerable, the guy you have to chill with because your parent's and his shared a freaking boat to this country. Well, this annoying creature has a very important function and if he fails you like he is prone to do you are screwed. This is true in part because once everyone is assembled and the music guy is playing the latest in underground hip hop that remains underground because it sucks ass, nobody wants to get up and make a run to the grocery store.

In these situations which I have encountered many times in my life, I have found that keeping a bottle of ketchup is always a plus, because it can function as a very good chaser, just think tomato juice in a bloody mary!

You know who really grinds my gears...

2008-05-09T10:16:00.005-04:00

....THIS GUY!!! Is there a more grating character on television today? Unless of course that is what the 30 Rock writers are going for....the whole, 'lets script the most annoying character we can come up with and portray him as being lovable, when we all know he isn't lovable'. It is unfortunate because 30 Rock is actually a pretty solid show. I think Tina Fey created this character, Kenneth, to test how popular she really is, much like how Brett Farve is never scathed by the media, even when he is sucking it up. Another example would be in basketball, where a guy hits five 3-pointers in a row and takes a sixth 3-pointer in double coverage, off-balance with a hand in his face just to see hot they really are...Kenneth is Tina Fey's sixth 3-pointer...and it was ill-advised.

Emoticon Guy

2008-05-08T01:53:00.016-04:00

So I went to happy hour last nite with some friends, and had a pretty interesting situation come up with one of the girls. One of our friends, lets call her "Kelly" was getting texted by this guy...you will know him as "Loser texting Kelly."
We pretty much dedicated the nite to making fun of "Loser texting Kelly"...
So for the guys....this is going to read like a what not to do if you are trying to get with umm...anyone, ever.

1st lets start with the intro...he texts her after 7 days. Yeah, we get it...youre really busy/cool...good for you guy. Honestly, seven days...but thats a post for another day. Anyways, you figure after 7 days...our hero must have a hell of an intro right?
His 1st message of the night..."Hey You :)." Yh seven days to come up with that....impressive. So she ignores that....later "Loser texting Kelly" writes "Come on Lilly, it was fun talking to you at the bar, how are you :)." Yes, our guy got the wrong name...word to the wise, if youre gonna bother typing in the name, make sure its the right one. So Kelly writes back, with a simple "my name is Kelly." You figure the game is over, he accepts defeat with his remaining pride, exits stage right.
Not so fast, Loser texting Kelly writes "Hehe, sorry I guess I owe you a drink now :)" Yes thats correct...he wrote "hehe". Let me break it down for you buddy...you can either write "hehe" or you can be straight...you cant be both. And those smiley faces were not exaggerations, after every text, a smiley face. I need to repeat that, a smiley face after every text, and evidently he is still claiming male.

I felt compelled to share this story after watching this guy self destruct via text. Hopefully we can give a warning to guys about a couple of trouble areas to stay away from...this is the consensus of our panel of 6 drunken guys and ladies...

1) LOL, LMAO, ROFL, Hehe: NO, NO, NO, NO...youre only option when you want to say something is funny is the tried and true "haha"...if youre a guy who needs to switch it up...add in an extra "ha" when youre feeling it....."hahaha"...acceptable...thats it buddy

2) Emoticons: No, never, not even a little. Not the smiley, not the frowny , no not even the winkey face... You want to say something is great..stick with "great", you want to say something sucks...stick with "that sucks"....you want to wink over a phone message...honestly why the hell are you winking over a phone message

Again, this is just what guys arent allowed to do...as always ladies...if you're hot, feel free to do anything you damn well please.

Maxim Hot 100...

2008-05-07T01:47:00.008-04:00

Maxim Top 100

I feel I must delve into the tragedy that is the maxim top 100. Can someone anyone please explain the insane-trust that is the maxim editing staff. As some of you know...the maxim 100 came out last week speckled with travesty after travesty. I am just going to break down some of the most glaring crimes against humanity that were perpetrated by the staff. A breakdown of the worst maxim calls after the jump...

#34
Jessica Alba...are you kidding me...she was #2 in 2007...and she dropped to #34 based on what exactly...? She is insanely hot... she is like Jordan in his prime, you cant stop her, you can only hope to contain her...which is a bad idea, and the main reason I am no longer allowed within 100 ft of her.

#46
Amanda Bynes. Really? Really? Is she even attractive...I am 100% sure I could walk down the street any day of the week, and within 15 mins, spot 3 girls hotter than this chick. I might be alone on this, but I just dont see it. I get that she is spunky and full of energy, but so was Stephanie Tanner...and that ain't happening either. The hottest picture they could find of hers...is this? Having Victoria's Secret models Selita Ebanks (only wearing a ribbon in this link, if youre reading at work), and Karolina Kurkova ranked lower than her...totally makes sense.

#19
Britney Spears...yh...evidently bald and insane is a very hot look in '08. Someone call up Sinead O'Conner...its comeback time. How is this remotely possible? At this point your first reaction on hearing Britney's name is either pity, or disgust. Yeah, thats how I want my chick to make me feel. Thats hot.

#36 Heidi Montag...If we're choosing between fake plasticized chicks who can't sing, I'm going with Ashley Simpson.

#5 Sarah Michelle Geller...Are we sure she is still alive...can someone check on this?

#56. Lauren Conrad – Does MTV own Maxim...how are the 2 main "The Hills" chicks on this list. Seriously in any given scene on “The Hills” Lauren is like the 7th hottest girl on the screen..umm thats what I hear anyways, because I totally dont watch that show (fyi..spencer is such a dick, but brodie is dreamy!!!). Lauren looks like the before picture on a Dove real life commercial....(which I highly recommend watching if you haven't seen it before...its shows a very average looking woman, and how lights, makeup, etc can make her look beautiful...check it out at youtube.... here...)

Angelina Jolie...yeah not ranked...a healthy scratch evidently. What did they do....start her in the top 5 and drop her a spot for every kid she has? Lets be real, she is insanely hot. This makes the least sense of any of their choices. When she dies, her decaying corpse should stay in the top 20 for at least another few years.

Don’t forget yur momz…

2008-05-06T13:59:00.013-04:00

Sunday, May 11th is Mother’s Day and in Festivus’s effort to diversify our demographics, I thought I would provide my perspective on flowers. In doing so, perhaps this will show our harshest critics (Sneha), that we aren’t always thinking about hookers and how to best pander to our male audience’s inner frat boy.

So why flowers? ‘Why not flowers?’ is the better question. It is the perfect gift for the occasion. They are fresh and their shelf life is fleeting…unlike the ‘World’s Best Mom’ mug you are considering at the moment. But what are we saying with flowers? Depends on what you give. Hopefully my list below provides some guidance:

Carnations: Only if dandelions are not available. Really? Unless you are 10 years old and under, don’t even consider carnations…no offense to Festivus’s 10 and under demographic…I will make it up to you squirts with a Webkinz expose next week. Carnations are a statement flower. By giving them you are saying, ‘you were an adequate mother, not great, so don’t read too much into this gift…it is what it is, carnations, so back off and stop controlling my life…I told you I would move out of the basement when I get my affairs in order’.

Daisies: A bouquet of daisies tells your mom, ‘I know you were a hippie when I was conceived and you aren’t 100% sure if dad is really the man who sired me and I have learned to cope with the birth defects associated with your LSD and marajewanna use, but you got your life in order and my life could have been a lot worse, let’s celebrate our mutual survival’.

Tulips: The quintessential spring flower, often symbolic of rebirth. This flower says, ‘Hey, we have gone through a rough patch, but let’s move forward, and I’m sorry for pawning your family heirlooms…my bad, dawg’.

Calla Lillies: For the sophisticated momz, this flower definitely fits the bill. It says, ‘I am doing well in life, my career is going well, I am probably a better parent then you ever were, I certainly married better then you…no offense, dad…please accept these flowers as a symbol of my dominance over you, the tables have turned, mother, the tables have most definitely turned’.

Peonies: Perfect for the cosmopolitan, jet-setter mom. The national flower of China (yes, I did research for this effing post, beyatch), the flower is often referred to as the ‘Queen of the Garden Flowers’. A gift of peonies says ‘You weren’t around for most of my life because of work, but I understand it was in the best interest of the family from a financial perspective if you assumed the role of the bread winner and dad stay at home and take care of us kids…I had an alright life and although I am slightly confused about my sexuality, I was afforded a fantastic lifestyle, not to mention all the ‘I Love (insert city)’ t-shirts and piggy banks you brought home from your travels.’

Roses: Old faithful, you really can’t go wrong with this flower and despite what people say, don’t think about the color too much…no one will assume you have an Oedipus complex if you get your mom red roses, and if someone does think that, they were probably watching too much of the ‘Taboo’ porn series from the ‘70s…not that I am familiar with it…oh, snap, I almost got through this post without offending Sneha. The gift of roses say ‘hey, thanks, you are a classy lassie, you kept me fed, clothed, hid dad’s belts when I was bad, did my homework…basically you filled the stat sheet like Lebron.’

That’s all I got, peeps. Don’t forget the momz. If you are ordering flowers, order early so those FTD Nazis don’t stick it to you with the extra shipping fees.

Significant Historical People in Various Forms of Competition, cont.

2008-05-06T10:30:00.001-04:00

Roseanne vs. Hillary Clinton in jello wrestling. I know, I know, the image isn't all that pretty but I think it's a good matchup. Power vs. deception, raw body mass vs. pantsuits. I think Hillary's too resourceful to lose this one.

Quiltmaker's got the medicine you need...

2008-05-05T11:25:00.006-04:00

Gonna try and make this Monday something to smile about. Since this blog provides an opportunity to record the crazy thoughts that have gone through my head over these past 28 years, I figure I'd share with the world one particular game that was developed in college by myself and my best friend (let's call him "Guy I Don't Nearly Do Enough To Keep In Touch With"). We called it "Significant Historical People in Various Forms of Competition". As you can tell from the name, even back then, we liked the sounds of our own voices. It started with this first scenario:

Albert Einstein vs. Isaac Newton in a game of pickup basketball. My boy's feeling was that Newton had a wicked jumpshot but Einstein was the clever ballhandler. Newton was more fundamentally sound but Einstein was just electric. We continued to argue over who would win but I always imagined Einstein winning a close one with a reverse tomahawk slam.

Not long after, I thought this one up (and my going to hell is probably largely because of this):

Princess Diana vs. Mother Teresa in a hot dog eating contest. As you can tell, political correctness was never an emphasis in our lives. This one was my favorite. Now, at the time, Di was known to hold the IFOCE's London-area regional record for most deviled eggs consumed in twenty minutes. But as we all know, there's a big difference between bite-size eggs and downing some major weiner (wait, what?). Now, Mother Teresa was a demure lady, not really known for ostentation but my feeling was that in the style of the New York Giants, she would calm herself and destroy the Goliath of the competitive eating world that was Princess Di. I'm calling it, Mother Teresa by three hot dogs and half a bun.

Dolph Lundgren vs. Keanu Reeves in a poetry contest. Now, for those of us who don't remember Dolph, this should jog your memory. You might think that Dolph has the edge. After all, he was featured in that cultural tour-de-force we all lovingly remember as "Universal Soldier." However, many may not know that Keanu Reeves was in a band, Dogstar. My thoughts were that Keanu had better writers and his musical instincts would put Dolph away.

Anyhow, if anyone has interesting scenarios let us know.

Bringing the Thunder

2008-05-05T00:27:00.002-04:00

So after seeing Mr. Yardeeds post/bash on the scathing "Sneha K" review that was found on a nearby poetry blog...I realized it was only a matter of time before this blog got its ass kicked. And I am way way too pretty for that to happen. Seriously...most of you may not know the bloggers here at the prole, though some of you might (thanks for the comments mom)... but we are prob some of the least ready to roll guys this side of burbank.

To give you a story about our physicalities...i'll tell you about our biggest regret from my most recent trip to vegas. You know how when youre walking around, they have those cardboard copies of famous scenes, and they cut out the heads so you can stick yours in? Like there was a cardboard scene of Zach, Kelly, AC, and Lisa...except their heads are gone...and you can pose in that picture. Then, so yrs later, you can be like...see son...youre ol' man wasnt always a square...once i pretended i was in the cast of the hit saturday morning sitcom "Saved by the Bell." Exactly. Calm down people...no I didnt forget Screech. He wasnt in the cutout, because I am like 90% sure he was actually the guy taking the picture... for an extra 5$ or a turkey sandwich, he said he would pose with us. Someone needs to help that guy, i just read that he was knocked out by Gary Coleman in celebrity fight club on ESPN 8 "The Ocho". Our prayers are with you, Dustin.

Anyways...sorry for the digression...but like i was saying our biggest regret from vegas, right? The Saved by the Bell thing was to frame it for you...the picture we actually wanted to take was posing as the guys in "Thunder from Down Under." Unfortunately the Thunder from Down Under cutout only had 4 guys, and we were rolling with 5. In a normal group, you think...that shouldnt be a problem...easy solution...with 5 guys...obv someone had a body good enough to take off their shirt and pose...right...righ..not so much. We talk about that all the time...how that was our biggest regret from Vegas...no...not that none of us got laid, not that each and everyone one of us lost at least $500...not that Big Head went up to a hooker (yes Sneha K, a hooker), and was told...after looking him him up and down, that his money wouldnt "play". No, our biggest regret was not getting the Thunder from Down Under pic. Which brings me back to the pt of this.
If anyone knows a good HGH dealer..please hook us up... bc if that poetry blog takes us down...that would totally suck.

The Prole's Coming Out...

2008-05-03T23:29:00.006-04:00

What do "The Festivus Prole" and "dzhfedjifgi" have in common? Aside from poor hygiene...not much.

As of today folks...unlike "dzhfedjifgi"...we've at last made it into the Google machine. Thats right bitches (meant in the canine sense, not in the "bitch, get my breakfast" way that Yardeeds uses it), we're big time baby. I've googled "The Festivus Prole" everyday since we carved out this little slice of cy-berbia...and our little site has never popped up...until now.

Big thanks to everyone whose been reading this...and to those who have been leaving comments, much appreciated...

blog drop

2008-05-03T23:16:00.003-04:00

hey there is a new blog that just started up...check it

http://theshmoovecriminal.blogspot.com/

More Random Thoughts

2008-05-03T13:16:00.003-04:00

We here at The Prole believe that we represent the people, hence our name! We believe that we are a microcosm of society as a whole and especially this great country. So what does it say about this glorious nation when the "white guy" is token!

High End

2008-05-02T14:33:00.005-04:00

So after years of toiling away in my awful Ford Taurus which ended with ailments that are unheard of in any esoteric engineering realm, I moved on to a Nissan Altima. Now this was a fantastic car with a wood grain trimming on the inside, no front busket seat, so there was actual separation between driver and passenger, a novelty at this point, a gear shift to my right as opposed to in a columnar format, and the speedometer said it went over 85.

All of these features endeared me to this car for several years. I however, could never figure out why the hubcaps kept falling off which became a bonding moment for all 1994-1996 Nissan Altima owners across the country. Much akin to the NBA players that compare the Louis Vuitton vs. Fendi trim on the inside of their Bentleys, A TRUE BONDING MOMENT!

I was so fed up with my hubcaps falling off (I have obsessive compulsive personality disorder, so small things like no hubcaps on my car drive me nuts!) that I even tried parking my car horizontally on a residential street hoping someone would smash into it and I could collect the insurance (true story but NOT because I was fed up with the car)!

But I am not writing this posting to chronicle my automotive misfosrtunes. It is actually quite the opposite. Upon getting a job and making a little scratch I decided that I have suffered for a long while with shitty cars and I should get a nice new relatively expensive automobile. I was very excited at the moment of signing and I was getting all sorts of paraphenalia like hats, keychains, teddy bears and all sorts of weird shit that you only see on a tall, white guy that is wearing khaki shorts, a tucked in polo, with a cardigan sweater wrapped around his waist at the local Whole Check, I mean Whole Foods. So things are going well, i am doing my best to dispell the notion that you get more ass when you have a nice car, I must be the exception that proves the rule!

Well, I take my car in to get serviced which of course costs an arm and a leg and by arm and a leg, I mean Dikembe Mutombo's arms and legs, because it is crazy expensive! So I feel that I am at a really nie place and my car is expensive, the servicing is expensive I should probably be treated well. Much to my surprise I was not only treated poorly, I was made to feel that I did not belong at the the dealership. I mean my car is a low end luxury car, so I was made to feel as if I should not have bothered bringing my car there, and I should have gone to the Saturn lot across the street (which is onviously just a euphemism, because there is no way a Mercedes dealership would be within 50 miles of a Saturn dealership) - it reminded me of the time I walked into a country club and the bell boy spit onme for not wearing a jacket!

Subway Etiquette 101

2008-05-02T10:24:00.010-04:00

I have recently been turned on to this blog by my amigo, 12th Son of the Lama. Because I am a sucker for weaseling my way in to groups, circles, and organizations which I have no business being associated, I thought that with Festivus, I have finally found an outlet where I am actually over-qualified. I keed, I keed.

So, I have a mundane rant for you people. I work in NYC and use the subway system for the vast majority of my commuting. In case you were wondering, NYC is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like ‘Sex and the City’, where Big cruises around in the back seat of a town car, picking up damsels in distress. By the way, I don’t watch that ridiculous excuse for a show. Anyway, I often wonder if there exists a comprehensive subway car etiquette manual. I say ‘car’ in order to clearly delineate from subway ‘station’ etiquette manuals, which appear to exist on the net but most cover the ridiculous, like ‘no pooping on the platform’. Really, that has to be specified? Isn’t it sort of assumed that unless you are an aborigine, a contestant on ‘Survivor’, a true method actor who is a member of the ‘Lost’ cast, or one of the talented young actresses in the ‘2girls, 1cup’ video, you probably should be using a toilet? I digress…train etiquette. I adhere to a simple set of rules:

1.) Always give up your seat to the elderly, handicapped, parents carrying kids, nuns and the preggers

2.) Never lean on the common vertical bar; they are intended for the community, not your greasy jheri curl

3.) Respect passenger real estate

So my beef pertains to an incident involving the lack of adherence to rule #3. (let the mundane ensue) The other day, I am riding home on an especially packed subway train. I lucked into what I consider prime real estate on the train, a corner spot at one of the doors. It is ideal because you could lean against the train door, which allows you to not have to grasp a (nasty) bar and you have at least two sides of your body where no one is grinding up on you. On this day I had the misfortune of being on the side of the car where passengers off-board/on-board. It sucks because either you take the stance of the a$$hole and just stand your ground and watch as people maneuver around you while successfully or unsuccessfully off-boarding/on-boarding the train, OR you can get off the train, let people off-board, then re-board the train with the new folks…this is a widely respected maneuver and typically elicits ‘hey, that there is a classy guy’ looks from other passengers. I took the classy route on that day. 99.9999^x % of the time, passengers concede your original spot once you get back on the train but unfortunately there was a not-so-classy passenger on the train. When he saw me step out, he immediately took my prime real-estate spot on the train. Upon re-boarding, I gave this a$$hole a ‘Dawg, I am not feeling it...Dawg’ look (ala, Randy Jackson, American Idol). I probably should have educated this individual, informing him that subway car real estate is a lot like a football; I was the o-lineman who just opened a hole for the running back, the play ends, and I go back to my spot on the line only to see someone else occupying it…..‘THE PLAY IS OVER, BRO!’. Anyway, so I lost my sweet spot and the best I could do is send nasty stares at the not-so-classy guy the rest of my commute. And the worst part, he was my desi brethren. I still can’t escape that smug look on his face…and that haunting stench of Drakkar.

P.S. – For the record, Samatha is a slut!

The Reviews Are In…

2008-05-01T14:37:00.008-04:00

…and they suck…bigtime. While scrolling various blog threads, I found a review of the Prole by Sneha K. Yes THAT Sneha K! Her review stated :

"I checked out Lama's site. Meh.. He's a bit crass and loves talking about hookers (to the point of distraction). It's a comic-type site. Meant to be humorous and clever in a frat boy way. On the one hand I want to support all bloggers. There are blogs out there that are much worse. But I can't really recommend this guy. The 12th son of the lama falls far short of nirvana or any kind of enlightenment. He's more like Spoiled Only-child of Chopra. 1.5 STARS. (thread link)"
Crass? Clever?? Chopra??? I have known The 12th Son of Lama since college, so I can give you a c-word that really describes him…courageous. Sneha K also refers to him as spoiled. I'll tell you what, the only thing "spoiled" was his dream to provide for his family...the guy is currently unemployed. The "Man" has only held him down, but he has persevered. Where does Sneha K get off shooting down The 12th Son of Lama's dreams?

Oh, and another thing, I think he was more into Pearl Jam than Nirvana.

On April 22nd 2008, The Festivus Prole started as a upstart blog geared toward the common man. For too long, the proletariat and bourgeoisie have been forced to accept the humor/prose of the capitalists, the “Sneha K’s” of the world. That is why this blog was created…to fill this untapped market. Laughter isn’t a right reserved for the rich and privileged. It is a God given right.

And another thing...The 12th Son of the Lama has proven to be the best damn hype man this side of Flava Flav. We have generated over 800 hits, 10 of which are unique. Next stop, 2 stars. We have mad upside. Keep up the ~~good~~ great work.

Until then, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. Goodnight everybody!

Geeks

2008-05-01T13:37:00.001-04:00

Is it just me or are video games controllers getting more and more complicated?

Capt. Obvious strikes again!

2008-05-01T12:59:00.003-04:00

I've always conceived of a mythical character, similar to Cupid or the Easter Bunny, who while never seen, influences events from behind the scenes. Many people know this entity as Capt. Obvious. Today, at the White House, he struck again!

After years of shifting explanations, the Bush administration admitted the "Mission Accomplished" banner on the USS Abraham Lincoln was a mistake. No kidding...

Liberty City, watch out...

2008-05-01T11:13:00.004-04:00

So I picked up Grand Theft Auto IV the other day. So far, I've completed a buncha missions, I've been serviced by two hookers, I've also killed two hookers (coincidence?), I've eaten several hot dogs and my outfit is straight balla. Or at least as balla as a poor Serb immigrant's wardrobe can be at this early stage.

Rev. Wright is a batshit loon

2008-05-01T10:58:00.008-04:00

So, I was watching late-night TV the other night. I was waiting for the next riveting installment of how to make $$$ from the comfort of my own home by dealing in real property. While waiting, I noticed a particular commentary on Rev. Jeremiah "He Makes Michael Jackson Look Normal" Wright.

Now, everything he's said about Obama and race is wacky but I can't get too upset. He's crazy after all. It's his comments about MARCHING BANDS that's got me in a lather. In quite a derogatory but funkified manner, he compared white marching bands with, in his words, their European-style precision, and black bands with their loose and happy free-flowing funk.

As someone who served four years in a marching band in the era before "American Pie", (one more f***ing band camp reference and I'm funna kill somebody) I am highly offended. Sure I kept the cheeks nice and clenched when I was out there (I'm white...can't ya just tell?) but that doesn't mean I can't appreciate a good beat from the drumline. *Gunk-ga-ga-chunk rat-a-tat-tat-tat-tat mmmm-tssss-mmmm-tssss gunk-ga-dunk-da-dunk-dunk-dunk* See, I comes up with some craaaaaaaaaazy beats!

Sorry, went off on a thing there. But we in America must stand up against attempts to divide us along marching style. Rev. Wright is, as was said by Jon Stewart about Robert Novak (who works in the same building I do), "a giant douche."

Take A Bow Madonna

2008-04-30T15:50:00.010-04:00

Don’t get me wrong, I used to like Madonna. She is one of my all-time favorite 80’s artists. There is no denying that back in the day, she was hot. I mean, what self respecting guy didn’t wear sexy lace gloves and “Boy Toy” belts?
That being said, I wish she quit when she was ahead. Time has only made me realize how much of a hypocrite she was and still is. Now, whenever I hear her name, I get annoyed. It always seems like she is trying to hawk something, whether it is Kabbalah or shampoo. I mean, seriously, how much money is enough? I guess I get annoyed because I have gotten in several heated debates with women who feel Madonna is a great role model. Honestly, if my kid ever looked up to her, I would consider myself a failure as a parent.

Yargh, it is because of these annoying debates I ~~wanted~~ needed to make a list of reasons why I hate Madonna. This list will serve a great reference for friends that choose to go against me in this debate.

So without further adieu, my ten reasons why Maddona sucks:

1) She moved to England and was bitching about how Americans are all materialistic. Didn’t she have a song called “Material Girl”? To make matters worse, she did her bitching in a British accent. She is from freakin Detroit.

2) She doesn’t let her kids watch tv because it is a bad influence. If it weren’t for television, she would never be where she is. She was in the right place, at the right time. Anyways, getting back to her kids and tv, it is probably because she doesn’t want them to end up like Britney or Christina, acting all whorish and such. She may also be freaked they will turn on VH-1 and see footage of this (NSFW).

3) She probably set back the gay movement with all her fake lesbo stuff just to get attention (ie: shock value = attention = money).4) She has authored (or co-authored) at least 10 books. Her topics range from her “Sex” book to a series of children’s books. Anyone that writes books for the sake of it, and it isn’t their main career, is annoying in my book. Besides, reading books is an overrated experience. Thats why we have televisions and the internets.

5) Kabbalah is a cult.

6) She should have quit while she was ahead. Her last good album may have been “Bedtime Stories“.

7) “Swept Away” was awful.

8) She was recently inducted into the Rock Hall of Fame. I guess she deserves to be in it, but there are a bunch of worthy acts that at this point, probably didn’t deserve to be lapped. That is another blog post.

9) She did a duet with Justin Timberlake (4 Minutes). JT is a douche. The song sucks too.

10) She supports Hillary. Need I say more.

The more I think about, I probably only needed 3 or 4 reasons to prove why Madonna is annoying. She essentially exploited her sexuality to get where she is in life. Once record producers saw women could use t+a to sell records, regardless of talent, the game changed. I am sure MTV didn’t help matters too. Long story short, she set the women’s movement back at least 20 years.

Oh yeah, regarding the picture/painting above. It is a self portrait, in the style of Neil Jam. It is actually my second work this week in this style, the first posted in arguably the best blog out there, Kissing TK.

Ask the 12th son...

2008-04-29T14:56:00.009-04:00

Dear 12th son,

Whats wrong with tap water?

Dehydrated in Duluth...

Parched in Pensacola,
I'll tell you if i had a dime every time someone asked me that, i would have 15 cents by now. Tap water is going the way of the harmless drunk hookup...its a dying art form. Why though? I have no idea. All of a sudden water died. Its like tap water and bottled water were gonna have this big rumble...and tap water was all... i'm tap water...i'm bigger than this...and walked away. 10 yrs ago, annual sales of bottled water in the US were under $37. Today bottled water sales in the US account for over 8 bazillion dollars (to put this in perspective my readers would understand...enough money for over 37 nites of doing the Vietnamese Oyster with a high class hooker, or 1623 nites with a Kia class hooker). Realistically though, I do not understand the whole deal with bottled water...what has happened to the water. Why isnt tap water good enough to drink? Is this all coming across the pond...bc we get it...we screwed up the 80s with our big hair, and the 90s with baggy clothes...and yh, Europe, you helped us out there. But we were ok on water, trust us. We drank it, our teeth didnt get all England'ed up. So basically we are screwing up the environment with all these un-needed plastic, filling landfills, all so we can....what?

12th Son of The Lama

Forgetting "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"

2008-04-29T13:27:00.002-04:00

Saw this flick last week with two of my live-in male companions (to the less sophisticated out there, roommates).

It was okay. The Sarah Marshall chick was okay looking. Mila Kunis was MUCH hotter and luckily she was seen more throughout the film. The English rocker/boyfriend was funny. The tubby kid from Superbad was excellent in the few scenes he had. There were laughs but the reason I felt compelled to write about the movie is now with four Apatow movies out over the past few years, I feel like ranking them:

1. Knocked Up
2. Superbad (would be #1 but the cops were annoying)
3. 40-Year-Old Virgin
4. Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Not a bad movie, but when stacked up against those three movies, it really wasn't anything special. Any thoughts?

Rev. Wright is an unholy dick

2008-04-29T13:12:00.005-04:00

I heard Bill Maher mention this thought first on his show, but after hearing the most recent comments where Rev. Wright basically dismissed Obama's critique as "Well, he had to say what he did because he's a politician," isn't it pretty clear that in addition to being crazy, he's also a dick?

Although, I heard some interesting commentary yesterday. Basically, Rev. Wright is upset at bieng upstaged by the more charismatic and popular Sen. Obama. Yeesh, what a dick!

Clemens vs. Maddux

2008-04-29T12:41:00.004-04:00

Okay, one of the sports arguments I get into with a friend (let's call her Michelle) is "Who is the better pitcher overall, Roger Clemens or Greg Maddux?" I take Maddux, she takes Clemens. She's a Yankees fan...in addition to being a Carolina basketball fan and a 49ers fan. Yes, she's a front runner and trust me, she gets plenty of crap for that.

The argument of a power pitcher vs. a finesse pitcher, counting World Series rings or Cy Young awards...I always felt at a bit of a disadvantage. Not that I'm bad at debating; to the contrary, I'm a LAWYA! But the numbers are on Clemens side.

I lose this argument NO MORE!

Steroids
The argument I have been able to make for the past few months was that Greg Maddux is the greatest 100% organic pitcher of the past 25 years. While Clemens was spending his off-season punching babies and injecting himself in the duff, Maddux was...well, I dunno...doing complex math problems for fun (he looks like he's good at math, maybe it's the glasses).

But Clemens is (apparently) a cheater! Maddux may have slightly lesser numbers but at least he earned his numbers fairly. So, the tide in the argument is turning. It's looking better for Maddux. And then...

(Alleged) Pedophilia
Now, while the story isn't clear here, the facts appear to be as follows: Roger Clemens, when he was a 28-year-old married father of two, struck up a relationship with a butterfaced, 15-year-old, soon-to-be multiple felon, Mindy McCready. Now, Clemens can deny all he wants there was anything improper. There is, at this point, no evidence of anything unseemly.

But when one considers Clemens' denial of steroid use with all the circumstantial evidence to the contrary, he loses considerable credibility on this "I didn't boink the underage blonde" argument. I can feel the tide turning in my favor!!! You feelin' it, Michelle?!?!?!

Conclusion
So, let's run down the facts one last time, Michelle:

Greg Maddux, career stats:
349-215, .619 percentage
3.12 ERA
4 Cy Young Awards
17 Gold Gloves
8 All-Star Selections
1 World Series Ring

Roger Clemens
7 Cy Young Awards
Raped 15-year-old in fit of 'roid rage

I think I've made my point. Case closed. Viva Maddux!!!

Deep Random Thoughts...

2008-04-29T00:03:00.002-04:00

Can someone please explain... when you go to a salad bar...why is it when you're walking away everyone else's salad looks so much better than yours? Seriously this really annoys me.

Metro vs Macho

2008-04-28T23:18:00.015-04:00

So I went to happy hour last wk with some of my friends here in DC, and told them I would pick something we talked about it to add to this blog. What can I say...they got the fame bug. They want to name drop that they inspired a post in a blog that has about 3 readers...but hey knock yourself out ladies. SO I am going to choose the whole metro vs macho thing....
I need a clarification on this...is this a good thing or a bad thing? Only one solution...lets break em down.
---
MARLBORO MAN---------------------------------VS---------------------VILLAGE PEOPLE

Fathers:

Can teach kids to blow smoke thru nose----------Will take kids to the Y.M.C.A

Sexually:
Rides a horse, hung like one too-------------------Will "experiment" with cop-sailor 3some

Husbands:
Will bring home the bacon -------------------------Will cook the bacon

Clothing:
Cowboy Hat, flannel shirt---------------------------2 sexy for his shirt, so sexy it hurts

Grooming:
Odd mixture of manure and musk ---------------Like summer rain

Fav Website:
NakedParisHilton.com------------------------------PerezHilton.com

Facial Hair:
Well worn stubble----------------------------------Shave up here, wax down there

Favorite Artist
Kelly Clarkson -------------------------------------Kelly Clarkson
---------Please, Everyone loves Kelly Clarkson-----------------------

So there you have it a tail of the tape....the winner's right there for you to decide....let me know what you all think....

Recap

2008-04-27T15:14:00.004-04:00

"Dude, tonight is going to be awesome! All of us are in from out of town, we have not seen each other in ages, I cannot wait wait til we go to [that huge club, where there is a long ass line outside, the bouncer treats you like a panhandler asking for money, there are multiple levels at the club, it takes forever to get overpriced drinks, and when you finally get to the front of the ridiculously long bathroom line some ugly, drunk chick is like "please can I go ahead of you I have to go to the bathroom really bad," meanwhile some guy behind you is like "you have to let her go man, I mean its a chick" wherein I finally give in and let this chick go ahead of me the whole while having American Psycho'esque thoughts running through my frontal lobe, not sure of whom I more annoyed at, the drunk chick that just caused a little dribble to escape down my leg or the dumbass guy who thinks he is going to score with the chick, because he "talked me into letting" her go ahead of me.]

Well, this is the mood earlier in the evening when everyone is getting ready for dinner which is also going to be an interesting experience. I mean 20 of your guy friends from all over the country ascending on one person's hometown expecting to get laid, even though it has NEVER happened in the history of the world, where you go one a "road trip" with 20 guys and even ONE of them gets any real action. I do not mean the "Indian-style" kissing at the club hookup, I am talking about some real back to her apartment and "what would you like for breakfast hooking up!"

Dinner is winding down the bill of course is a hassle because someone was charged for their coke refill that they thought was free even though the menu does not have prices on it and we were asked what type of Scandanavian bottled water we wanted because tap water was not an option. We head to the club and invariably in DC there is a fight with the cab driver over the fare. This part I completely side with my drink, idiot friends. I mean 4 cabs leave the exact same venue only to take the exact same 10 block route to the required destination. However, when comparing the prices of each cab ride there is no consistency. The discrepancy in some cases can be quite large and there is no real explanantion for this, except for a "zone map" to which the cabbie points to and you just nod your head in extreme frustration pretending to understand, "oh I see we crossed Nebraska Ave. so that makes this a one zone journey," but in reality crossing a zone makes it a 2 zone trip which you find out when he quotes the fare, leading to the invariable confrontation that ensues.

Well, you finally get into the club after dropping a few names of people you have no idea who they are, I mean I dropped a "Michelle" ona bouncer yesterday and got in like I was Joshua Jackson at an Anaheim Mighty Ducks game! And throughout the night you run into people from all walks of your life and you have a good time. All your buddies are all over the place trying in tandem to see some ladies that they can get with. And you finally leave in a drunken daze, ear ringing, mind on the music, but of course without any ladies or money! You get some drunken pizza and claim you had a great time in there, and teher is the obligatory 'Dude, you should have seen Vivek, man he was talking to the hottest chick I have ever seen," bt of course no one else has seen her either. But the best part is yet to come, and it does not even occur on the same day that you set out to have all this fun. The best part of the night actually occurs the next day over a little PF Changs when you RECAP the night before with everyone, gaining the perspective of everyone on their night and how it unfolded. The recap is hotter than Paris Hilton in a sex video!

Blind Item

2008-04-25T23:50:00.007-04:00

Spotted: A Maryland Desi-lebrity was recently spotted canoodling with a longtime "friend" in a secluded lakefront cabin. Guests of the bro-mantically involved couple state they arrived late Friday nite, and spent the rest of the night cozying up in front of a warm campfire. One cabin crasher says our Mr. X finished the perfect wknd getaway by serenading his man-date with a stirring karaoke version of the Sir Mixalot classic "Baby Got Back." Unfortunately for our Mr. X, it may not be enough, as his companion is rumored to be engaged.

So who's our Mr. X....I'll never tell...
xoxo
12th Son
and no i totally dont watch gossip girl every wk and sometimes rewatch on dvr... and yes ~~Chace Crawford~~ Serena Van Derwoodson is smoking hot

That Guy

2008-04-24T15:38:00.003-04:00

As my first contribution to this blog I was thinking of all my friends, and how I wanted to relay one of their stories, and then hopefully the next time we are out getting wasted he could approach me and be like, "hey man, why did you have to go and write that shit about me, I mean totally uncool." You know the guy that has ample opportunity to confront you when you are hitting golf balls with him, or the six times a day you email, or the once a week you talk over the phone. But no he waits until I am wasted, sexually repressed in a club where there are guys much uglier than me with chicks I dream of when I get home, and generally in a bad mood because the girl I just bought shots for gives them to her guy "friend" who is standing behind me, egging her on. Then I realized that instead of putting myself through the headache of dealing with this obviosu consequence of my post, I would just ask a simple question:

As a fan of a pro sports team would you root against your team from winning a championship in fear of being labelled a frontrunner. As I am a fan of some very good teams I get it all the time, of course the number of bad teams I am a fan of never gets mentioned. I mean I like some of the worst teams in some of the most HISTORICALLY worst conferences in pro sports ever. I mean Atlantic Division, Eastern Conference bad! But yet everytime I put on my San Francisco 49ers apparel on, I get the obligatory, "Hey, I thought you were from the east coast!" It is so obnoxious to explain and justify why exactly I root for the 49ers and why whilst growing up in the 80's they were just more fun to watch than anyone else in ANY sport PERIOD!

So now after several years of futility and getting some slack cut, I feel that it would be nice if the Niners lose in the old Tampa Bay fashion for a few more years, and I will be absolved of all my "skeletons." This of course can easily be accomplished as long as the team keeps drafting Alex Smith and Tight Ends in the first 6 picks!

Deep Random Thoughts...

2008-04-23T22:37:00.016-04:00

And now for another episode of Random Thoughts....

You know how they say nothing is certain except death and taxes...it makes you wonder if people stopped paying taxes would they stop dying? I tried, and now I'm dead... and thats why I hate Ben Franklin.

This has been a random thought by 12th Son...

I-Dating

2008-04-23T13:05:00.008-04:00

Guys slow down, put away the credit cards indianfriendfinder is nothing like adultfriendfinder....trust me. Anyways I was talking to one of my friends last night about internet dating and he was going off about how annoying it was because everyone lies. The person in the description is rarely the person at the table. Though from what I gathered he was most annoyed that the girl looked more like a Paul than a Paula. A serious facial hair issue that would make any uncleji proud. But he's right, look at enough profiles and you'll see people lie about their age, height, weight, sniper fire in bosnia, job, personality, pretty much everything. At first I tended to agree with him. If you start a conversation based on a profile, you'd hope it was true. But than I got to thinking, imagine if everyone was truly honest on their bio-data...we'd be at "Children of Men" status in one generation. Everyone on those sites is "genuine, loving, caring, fun, etc, etc" which is about as true as in real life. I've seen "The Hills" I know whats up.

Lets be honest, the 12th Son is pretty much all that and a side of edamame (chips are for proles). But if I went to one of these sites and dropped my real Bio-Data, how much love could I expect...

Height:6'0
Weight 140 lbs with a chest that an 8 yr old boy would be ashamed of
Hair: Black, and for some reason that defies logic, I like putting only one side of it up
Skin: I'm gonna say wheatish, bec I have no idea what wheatish means but I have seen it on Shaady.com
Interests: How do you jazz up the fact that I like Sci-Fi, watch alot of TV, and have no problems not opening the door to my apartment for over a week.
Employment: Not so much
Descriptor: If youre thinking about stopping by, instead please just call. If youre thinking about calling please just text me. If youre thinking about texting me, please just assume my phone doesnt have text.

So I am basically an anti social un-employed freak, yes come meet me.
Things would be better if we all lived in the insane world that my friend Kne2P lives in....where we could assume that everywhere we went girls were trying to grind their breasts against your elbows. Yea its a long story that no one understands. Not even him. Regardless I think we realize why people lie. The truth is people typically suck, and if they told truth about how much they sucked, no one would ever get laid, and thats what makes this crazy rock spin anyways.

Then There Was One (Post)

2008-04-22T22:05:00.013-04:00

Well I want to start this blog off by welcoming all of my regular readers joining me from my previous job, at a little paper I like to call, The New York Times. For the rest of you who are new readers, which is everyone, considering I never worked for the New York Times, Welcome.

My literary credits to date include 3 comment cards to Chili's (The Awesome Blossom neither tastes Awesome, nor like Mayim Bialik), and writing the previous two paragraphs.

Now you may be asking yourself why The Festivus Prole. And my simple answer to that is Why the heck not, or Why the eff not, or of course, Why the F-ck not.

I am still trying which direction to go with this blog, sunshine, rainbows, and roses, vs well... Japanese Midgets porn. Sorry, just realized that may have been offensive....I meant Japanese little people porn. As I do not have enough Japanese midgets to keep this site well stocked I feel maybe I should meet in the middle.

So I have to ask myself...is this gonna be clean blog or a Spitzer 7 diamond type blog? I'm gonna rule out video porn bc i dont mix business with pleasure, but verbal porn thats another issue. Society has been asking about swearing in blogs, for literally millions and millions of years, and yet few people realize the origins of swearing. For that F-bomb you just dropped at your teacher/lover/in house mime, you can thank the mother Russia. Yes swearing was invented in the 80s thanks to classic communist propaganda. I am of course, referring to the Smurfs.

The commune which the smurfs shared with their Red Leader Papa Smurf was the perfect venue to introduce swearing as an art form. This was actually the 1st legitimate society which not only encouraged swearing, but attempted to devolve their language into a constant stream of swearing with the vulgar infinitive "to smurf." Recent discovery through the popular CD-Rom series "The Rosetta Stone" shows that "smurf" can be directly translated to "F-ckity F-ck F-ck F-cker, also did I mention F-ck." Its a vulgar, but compelling series.

Sorry for the digression, but I really dont have a firm handle on this. I keep reading countering arguments that all make sense. As the Bible says, and I may be paraphrasing here, but "Yay unto a clean blog as it is a free ticket into heaven, unless you kill people. Well except for homeless people because thats like doing G-d's work anyways. Jesus out." Which by my orthodox interpretation, is pretty much on the side of no swearing.
So I am not sure what to do, any comments or advice on this deeply important issue would be welcomed.